Monday, August 24, 2015

I wanted love to be enough

I love the internet, but sometimes, social media is the pits. It's mean and nasty and it makes me cry.

For two weeks now, I've been scrolling through all of the back to school photos and all of the "where has time gone" sentiments as people post pictures of their "babies" starting kindergarten or their senior year.

And reluctantly, I let the tears drip off my chin without reaching for a tissue or Tim's t-shirt or my pillowcase. They just drip and fall wherever.

Because I don't even care.

About the tears, I mean.

My friends' kids are amazing. Some have overcome extreme odds to be standing in that photo. Some of those parents fought and fought for those kids. Never giving up when that would have been the easier path to take.

And I wallow in my sadness, feeling the pressure of my own parenting journey building in my chest.

And I take an aspirin because it really does feel like a heart attack.

And the tears are no longer tears. And the dripping has become an aching, hollow sob. And I sit on my bedroom floor in the same place I sat the day after my son tried to kill me... The same place I sit when I cry to God for his healing. And that aching cry, that despairing moan into the pile of folded laundry, that pain that feels like a heart attack....

It's not gone. He's not home.

And I want to scream: I HAVE A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, TOO!!!

But I can't ask the rhetorical "where has the time gone" question. I know where it is.

It is in the hot tears and the whispered prayers and the desperate therapy. It is in residential treatment and group homes and progress and setbacks. So many setbacks.

And I'm angry.

Tonight, I'm mad at the people who are responsible for his pain. For his trauma. For his NOT BEING HERE.

I'm mad at the time slipping away. The lost chances. The sadness I hear in his voice. The ache I feel when I bury my face in his old soccer jersey or his football hoodie that I keep hidden in my closet for the moments I miss him the most.

I have a senior, too.

He's not doing very well. He's likely to miss a whole lot more than he should. Because he was abused and neglected and severely traumatized.

And I'm mad because all the love in the world isn't saving him.

And I wanted it to.

I wanted love to be enough.





I prayed for this child,
and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
So now I give him to the LORD.
For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.
1 Samuel 1:27-28




© 2015 Karin Shirey Henn, all rights reserved. 
Copyright notice: All content, including writings, artwork, photographs, or videos, posted on this blog is original to Karin Shirey Henn and the HennHouse unless otherwise stated and may not be reproduced without permission.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

FFFN: Project get Isaac clean before he gets in the shower


Late summer Friday Family Fun Nights (FFFN) are the best kind.

Started with picking Isaac up at soccer. Esther-Faith popped out of the sunroof of her dad's truck and soaked him with a squirt gun. So much so that he had to change his shirt before getting into the truck. His teammates side-stepped the onslaught and just laughed and laughed at him.

When Isaac got home, I had more squirt guns ready for an extended battle in the front yard.

SOAKED.

Then, pizza on the grill while we tossed mini-parachuters off the deck followed by a game of SORRY! (Tim won. It's important that you know Esther-Faith came in second. She didn't care who won, as long as it wasn't Isaac. #siblingrivlary)

And we ended the night with cream soda floats and a movie.

These days are fleeting. It won't be long before we're hosting Friday Family Fun Night with adult kids and grandkids.

I hope they never end, though.

Ever.















© 2015 Karin Shirey Henn, all rights reserved. 
Copyright notice: All content, including writings, artwork, photographs, or videos, posted on this blog is original to Karin Shirey Henn and the HennHouse unless otherwise stated and may not be reproduced without permission.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Overheard at the HennHouse: On the second day of high school


Today was Isaac's second day of high school.

Tim took Esther-Faith to the zoo, and they fed the giraffes.

Then Isaac had soccer practice while we went to look at a house.

After his shower, while I'm making dinner, he says, "I grew today."

Me: "Today? You know it was today?"

Isaac: "Maybe it was yesterday. But I know I grew."

Tim: "Me, too."

Me: "Today? You know it was today? How do you know?"

Isaac: "Yes. It was either yesterday or today. I have to bend my knees in the shower. I grew another tile in the shower."

Me: "Today? You know it was today?"

Isaac: "Or yesterday."






















© 2015 Karin Shirey Henn, all rights reserved. 
Copyright notice: All content, including writings, artwork, photographs, or videos, posted on this blog is original to Karin Shirey Henn and the HennHouse unless otherwise stated and may not be reproduced without permission.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

On the third day of Disney


Our trip to Disney seems like it was years ago, and yet, like it was yesterday. We loved Disney. We want to go back--all of us.

On the third day of Disney, Tim took the kids to Downtown Disney while I went to training, a meet-and-greet, and a users roundtable. He left Isaac at Disney Quest (you know, unlimited video and arcade games and no little sister to slow him down) while he took Esther-Faith to get a princess makeover at Bibbity Bobbity Boutique. Isaac had a blast. Esther-Faith had a blast. Tim, well, he hasn't stopped talking about it.

They came back from Downtown Disney and spent some time by the lake waiting for me. And then, Tim surprised us all with a boat ride. He had chartered a private boat to take us to Magic Kingdom for the fireworks. Snacks and drinks included. It is maybe my favorite memory. The boat captain was a retired New York state trooper. There were good, comfortable conversations with a man who understood our family. And there were fireworks and light pageants and history and fun.

Isaac still talks about the peaceful waves in the dark. Esther-Faith tells everyone about the light pageant. I loved having my family close enough to touch. I love that it was dark and I could easily and shamelessly cry at the peace and happiness I felt. It was an amazing experience. Just us. And a lake. And some fireworks.

Pure family. Pure love.

Waiting for the bus...




Choosing a hair style...

Getting started...


What? Are? You? Doing? To? Me?





Looks just like Merida...








Lego store


Photos by dad at the hotel


Headed to the boat.

Light pageant

Our hotel at night



Taking out the updo.



© 2015 Karin Shirey Henn, all rights reserved. 
Copyright notice: All content, including writings, artwork, photographs, or videos, posted on this blog is original to Karin Shirey Henn and the HennHouse unless otherwise stated and may not be reproduced without permission.